How to Begin?

Today marks my first semianniversary here in Raleigh; it's official--now I've been here for "a while." Much can happen in six months, like the self-immolation of the global economy, for example. Or the rising and falling of gas prices on a scale unseen since... before my birth? The turning of a red state blue. The rise to fame and subsequent fall into irrelevancy of some broad from Alaska. A new hope...

I feel better here now than I did just a few weeks ago, which is actually less comforting than it sounds. Even in the span of six months, I've had more than one other time that felt like I was turning a corner and feeling more at home. Is it possible that this is just another one of those corner turns that'll fizzle in a week or two? Of course I'm hoping not, and this time there are other conditions that could be driving the mood, including my anxiety meds (back on), caffeine (back on), and a general diminishing of day-to-day workplace stress resulting from a spacing out of deadlines and long blocks of time where there's an expectation that nothing comprehensive can get done because everyone is out here and there for the holidays.

To nail the New Year's cliche, I feel hopeful. I feel like I've seen the bottom of my situation here in Raleigh, and I think I've put things in play that will make me feel better about the move. I've signed up to volunteer with Habitat for Humanity. I plan to be more involved in the local AIA chapter. I'm reading through Raleigh's new Draft Master Plan so I can remember why I was interested in this stuff in the first place, and then hopefully be helpful in critiquing the plan before it moves into its final draft. I have a new workstation in the office that won't hide me away in a corner so my coworkers might finally feel obligated to remember my name. I know how to change the plotter paper at work now. I started looking for a church I can stomach. I've been going out a little more often. I'll be resuming my exams very soon.

I guess I've found that when your day to day story is very thin, it's hard to accept that it's really what you're doing with your life. When my day to day story is work, TV, sleep, work, TV, sleep, it feels like I've been dispatched here for a temporary work assignment and see no reason to get settled. Like I'm living in a motel, and each thing or relationship I accumulate is one more thing I'll either have to throw out or lug back "home" when I leave. I can imagine the "colonial" mindset probably has a lot to do with that. I bet the economically-driven colonists to Virginia had the same trouble... you're from a totally different place, here to be opportunistic, wanting to travel light and not get too attached because, hell, the colony could be dead tomorrow. If you need to hop on the next boat to the mother country, better to not leave half of yourself behind. It's only once you trust the stability of your own situation in the new land that your narrative gets thicker and the new colony becomes part of your story.

Six months in and six months until my first major committment here is up--my lease--I can't say for sure how long my future here will be. As I said above, much can happen in six months. But it has become easier to imagine a future--life's little sidestories, at least--that has Raleigh as the backdrop. I can finally visualize scenarios here that would give me a satisfying life. So perhaps this is a real corner turned.

Happy New Year!