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It's been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon, my home town... no, wait, that's not me...

It's funny to look back and see that July 3 was my last post, because it was only the next day that life here in the New Colony took a pretty dramatic step in a new direction. Since the night of Independence Day I've been at both the highest and lowest since first recovering from the anxiety of moving my life to North Carolina. I've realized a fantasy and nearly immediately fumbled it, tragically. I've gone from the relative comfort of consistent but fairly easy-going work to staring down a potential layoff through 55-hour weeks. I've learned a lot about myself in the process but found many aspects of my personality that just can't continue unchecked.

The height I reached was fleeting but amazing. Being loved, admired, and adored by someone for which I had such intense reciprocal feelings was my fantasy come true. I had been single much too long by the beginning of the summer, without any of the feelings of liberation that most bachelors enjoy. I was blessed to find a woman to share my time, and for once I made a conscious effort to pay attention to the great times we had in the moment. At the closing of past relationships, I was haunted by the loss of memories of fun and love--they were overwhelmed by the strain of separation, of having tried so hard to be the right guy and missed the mark. This time, no good memories were taken for granted.

The dissolution of the relationship, however, was a mess in its own right. My psyche had been changing, exaggerating my obsessive, paranoid, jealous, and tempermental side. It was a transition I had not noticed--certainly not soon enough--and that I now link to a concurrent change in my anxiety medication. It feels unrighteous to lay the full responsibility for my "descent" on chemicals, so I sidestep the actual symptoms and take responsibility instead for a complete lack of awareness of my behavior despite a number of obvious clues. When your girlfriend says that you're always angry, and that you're not the same person she started dating, you need to pay attention. When you start getting comments on your attitude from coworkers who are themselves notoriously ill-mannered, you should take a hint. When your sleeping and eating patterns change dramatically in the span of a few weeks, you need to be asking questions about yourself.

Through the month of October and into November, my emotions and behaviors became completely undocked from my thinking. Yes, I know that emotions and behaviors operate differently than reason and intellect, but usually your mind has the ability to square them up--I acted this way because of this belief, I had this emotion because of this expectation, etc. For several weeks, my emotions and their resultant behaviors were unsquarable with what I was thinking. Perspective and proportionality were lost. A minor issue would become an outrage. A snub would become a melodrama. A mere task would become an ordeal. And all the while I was not able to see how different this was from normal or feel how it might be affecting other people.

It took lying in bed awake one night, staring at the ceiling, for my intellect to put the pieces together... I'm thinking one way, but my emotions are off on their own. This may be normal for a short duration, but not for almost two months. What changed in September? In the end, I was lucky to hit upon something--a solid, plausible reason--to help draw the pieces together. Whether or not it is truly a factor, linking my increased anxiety meds (possible side effects include hostility and aggression) to what was happening gave me focus. I regained perspective. And initiative. I resolved to address these issues, not just pharmaceutically but also through counseling.

The pressure isn't off. I hang by a thread in a number of ways, personally and professionally. Stress at work has not abated but rather has just been lengthened for more weeks. When this project has finally been pushed out to sea, there's no guaranty another one is waiting at the dock. But in general, I feel hopeful about the future in a way I haven't in some time. I will get better, and I will find a way to get happiness back in my life.