Poor Admiral Stockdale. At his debut vice presidential debate opening in 1992, he said those seven words that, the following morning, would be used as evidence of his senility. Little did he know that 18 years later, his geriatric croak would resonate in my head during every drought of confidence--"who am I? why am I here?"
I've heard people say that you are who you are. Your personality is as much a part of your being as your brown eyes or your hairy chest. Sure, you can always wear colored contacts or wax your chest, but in the end, you're just a brown-eyed person with colored contacts or a hairy person who's been harvested and is waiting for the new crop to grow in. And so with your personality; changes are either pharmacologically-inspired or based on good acting skills. You are who you are.
So what happens if I don't like who I am? Physically, a person can go so far as to change their sex, but are they ever anything more than a post-op transgender? Does anyone really believe that, beneath her many layers of facial plastic, Joan Rivers is ACTUALLY good looking (or for that matter, above her many layers of facial plastic?). So if I'm profoundly unsatisfied with my personality and emotional outlook, am I stuck? I may find a pill that makes me awesome, or I may be able to project an air of awesomeness. In the end, am I just a "modified" unawesome person?
My Lost Autumn of 2010 has gotten me to reflect on who I am, which is all the more difficult because I've been on psychological medications since... high school? Without my meds and strong desire to win people's affections, I can only imagine the pile of couch-sprawling spasmodic goo I would be right now--is that me? Is that the unadulterated Paul Lipchak? Is that the are that I are? Have my achievements, successes, relationships, and fuck-ups over the past 15 years been some sort of artificial affectation fueled by body chemicals reacting with out-of-body chemicals in an environment of high social pressure?
There are things I want to change about my personality. Things that are obstacles to happiness, success, satisfaction... I want to be more easy-going. I want to have more self-confidence. Be riskier. More spontaneous. I want to be less intense. Less cynical. Less shy. Content. Fulfilled. Grateful. Charitable. For real. Not post-op happy. Real happy.
Is it too late to become who I want to be?
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3 comments:
Keep in mind Paul, that as much as you are feeling the way you are, there are MILLIONS of people out there that feel the same way. Maybe not feel the same things but we all strive to be better people, either with other people or with ourselves. For YEARS I often wondered whether or not I was good enough to do what I wanted. Even during high school, I never thought I would be. Unfortunately, and i hate to say this, but those feelings never really go away. If they do, you have reached a level of self awareness that not many people could even begin to fathom. I am of the opinion that those feelings remain to "keep you on your toes" and always make you strive to either reconcile with yourself or keep working to become better. Some people use pills, others use "natural" remedies, and some people like me learn that no one is perfect and I am not perfect. Out in the world there may or may not be someone perfect for you, but you can't let yourself worry about that. You have to have faith that if there is such a person that eventually you will find each other. All you can do, is whatever you want. If you choose to mope around feeling sorry for yourself, then people around you will sense that and practice avoidance. Choose to live life, enjoy it and embrace it. You only have one, and you have a choice to either experience all the good in the world, or sit in your apartment and expect life to come to you. It won't. You gotta go and get it.
I agree with most of what you say, Jeff, but the chasm between believing something on an intellectual level and convincing the non-intellectual parts of your psyche (and physiology) to follow suit is vast. I don't accept loss or failure well at all, nor do I accept help well. These aren't conscious decisions, and I don't know if conscious decisions to do the opposite would change the fundamental wiring of my brain (if such a thing even exists). I do recognize that moping around in self-pity is unproductive (and unattractive); my sense of justice and rightness has been kicked to shit lately, though, and I'm not equipped to square myself in that regard--and not eager to use a bunch of new chemicals to fool my brain.
That all said, the days are getting longer and every day puts me that much farther from where I've been. A few more hours of moping and I'll flip the page on the calendar and see what happens. Thanks for your response, and it's great to hear your perspective. Happy New Year to you & the family!
I was going to go into a long winded comment about myself and how you could use what I learned in your own life, but you know what? Who the fuck am I? :)
I'll just leave it at 2011 will be better than 2010!
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