Hell is Air Conditioned

Today, after my scrumptious bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats, I headed out to DMV headquarters to get my brand spanky new North Carolina drivers license. It was about 9:15ish AM, and the place seemed pretty quiet for a DMV, so I was optimistic about getting out of there fast. Boy, was I right! After I read a sign outside that said "No Licenses Are Issued At This Facility" and confirmed that fact inside, I was out of there in two minutes, tops. Probably my shortest DMV visit ever.

So instead I had to drive all the way to North Raleigh, which I guess is supposed to be close by local standards. The DMV has a storefront in an otherwise unremarkable shopping plaza, and as I joined the line inside the front door, I got my first in-person look at North Carolinian beaucratic machinations. Essentially, there are two groups here--those who have to wait at the door to get their deli ticket number, and those who have to sit in the plastic chairs holding their deli ticket numbers while they wait to get called upon. It was kinda a mix of pre-movie theater waiting (complete with repeating trivia questions scrolling across a marquee screen), an exceptionally long bank teller line, a deli with no food or beverage, and... well, a DMV, I guess. It had all the hallmarks of hell on earth, including screaming children, drug-addled wastoids, nervous teenagers, and DMV employees who seemed a little too happy to be there. But it was air conditioned.

I figured getting a new state's license would be a simple paperwork processing concern, with perhaps an eye exam. I almost failed the eye exam, by the way, even after I put the glasses on... apparently my face was not thrust far enough into the machine, so half the letters were literally not showing up. The nice large woman on the other side of the counter let it slide, but being sure I was not blind in my right eye, I took a second and third look and then realized I just wasn't being aggressive enough with the machine. I also failed to identify a round yellow sign with no writing on it as a RR XING sign. I didn't know I had to know stuff!! But she gave me the answer. Then she sent me to a testing seat!!!!

Ok, not a road test, although I think that may have been less stressful. It was a computerized multiple choice test, and I damn near didn't make it. I mean, there was zero warning that I would have to be more than conscious for this transaction, and now I'm answering questions about North Carolina road rules that I have no business knowing, much less abiding by. It came down to the wire--I had to get a full twenty of twenty-five questions right, and I cut it close. But I did make it, at which point they stripped me of my Massachusetts license, gave me a fresh NC license, and sent me on my way to continue ignoring all signs and rules I'm not familiar with.

And that was just for the license. I was too chicken shit to get my car registered at the same time, being a shaky mess after the test. So I go back tomorrow(?). I think I'll try the headquarters again--no sign that says "No Customer Services Offered At This Facility," so I figure I have a shot.