Ways that Paul Sucks at Interviewing

by Paul's Inner Monologue, amidst an interview

Paul is not very good at interviewing. Allow me to point out key errors as we encounter them.

1. Witness Paul sitting in his car in the parking lot. Paul is a half hour early to his latest interview. Again. In the past, Paul would actually check in at the reception desk a half hour early, leaving him waiting uneasily for a long period of time for his inevitably late interviewer. Now Paul has the sense to wait in the car and not seem such a desperate soul in the waiting room... unless, that is, anyone on the staff notices the strange man in the parking lot. Even after waiting in the car, Paul still checks in fifteen minutes too early. Paul tends to creep out receptionists who are used to people showing up five minutes late to everything.

2. Paul has not practiced his talking points, as you can tell by the stony silence after his greetings with the interviewer. In fact, Paul has no talking points. He awaits prompting from his interviewer on everything, from introductory small talk to presenting his past work samples. Paul waits while his interviewer synthesizes a scattershot of information about past work, level of experience, and skill sets rather than explicitly stating how he can be of service to the hiring organization. When coupled with an underprepared and inexperienced interviewer, it's a wonder that any relevant information is being exchanged and contextualized throughout the interview.

3. Upon realizing that he is not being a proactive interviewee, Paul loses his facility with the English language as he attempts to fill silence with an abundance of words. All his skills become "I'm good at," his experiences become "I've done that," his goals become "I'd like to do that." You'll note the excessive repetition of simple turns of phrase, a slimming down in the level of detail of responses, and heavy breathing between run-on sentences.

4. Notice the contortion of facial expressions evident in the final half of the interview. At this point, Paul has attempted to smile continuously for nearly a half hour, even during his lengthy responses, and his facial muscles are beginning to strain and cramp. Worried that this may belie his normally flat countenance, Paul attempts to "jog" his facial muscles during the interview, resulting in a mosaic of unusual and uncomfortable-looking expressions. Paul's self-consciousness of his predicament causes him to begin frowning and squinting at just the moment of the interview where projecting confidence and optimism are most important. Notice how lava-lampesque facial contortions have set off subconscious reflective expressions on his interviewer's face.

5. Paul's constant and unpointed talking in addition to his facial gymnastics have left him too exhausted to put an important punctuation of the end of the interview. There is no discussion of next steps, timeframes, another meeting date, just a polite thank-you, a collecting of papers, and a speedy exit. Paul has failed to make a positive in-person impression.

6. Paul goes back to his car in the parking lot and immediately diagnoses the major errors in his performance. His final mistake: not writing down his diagnosis in the hopes it will improve his efforts at the next interview.